We’re in Chicago. I am, at the moment, in a Wicker Park coffee shop called Filter, the famed intersection of Milwaukee, Damen and North one tenth of a stone’s throw away (depending on the size of the stone). That is, a vibrant place, a central place, an area of much coming and going. The kind of place you’d expect to change a lot, so many people with their fickle, changing tastes, and that’s before we take into consideration the rampant hipsterism of this particular neighborhood in Chicago, the very epicenter, I once thought and still sometimes do, of the hipster movement in the United States. (Yes, a dramatic statement but also possibly true; just come here and see for yourself.)
And yet. And yet this place has been here for years, as has the currency exchange across the street, also the sushi restaurant and the two bars, the brunch place on the other side of the intersection, variety store next door, the breakfast joint beneath the El, ten or so bars up Damen, the bookstore down Milwaukee just a little ways…and on and on, no seriously: on and on and on. I know because I used to live in Chicago, just a few blocks north to be exact, I moved in the winter of 2002 and moved out in the spring of 2003. I saw a few changes, to be sure, while I was here—for instance Filter came in that summer—and by my best guess there have been a few since I left, but nothing too drastic, not really, and unless I’m mistaken there is more, much more, that has remained the same.
This is weird for me, and in its own odd way it is even more disorientating than if everything had changed. Apparently, my idea of a thriving city involves fairly constant change, new
businesses starting every week, every month, old businesses shutting down, people making it or not making it, places accomplishing x or y or z and then moving on, done with the place. People get what they want and then move on, or else they don’t get what they came for and move on anyway (debt, eviction, or et al having its say). I grew up an hour north of New York, and perhaps this idea comes from my experiences with that city—easy and perfect ‘for instance’s being Times Square, or SoHo, or the West Village, or the near entirety of Brooklyn—but to be honest I see this happening in the small city of San Francisco, and even in the small town Williamstown, Massachusetts, where I went to school. It even happened in Brookfield, Connecticut where my mom now lives, I drove down the road that leads to her house one day and the gas station that had theretofore been a Chevron had changed, overnight—literally overnight—into a Citgo; I told my friend Dede about this that afternoon and her matter-of-fact response, “These things happen,” seemed to underscore the simple and undeniable truth of the matter. These things happen. This is the nature of the world we live in.
But I wonder. I wonder if it’s as immutable as that. And yes it’s because I’m here, the same coffee shop five years later, I wrote dozens of cover letters sitting in here, I applied to grad school. I’ve since left Chicago, began and finished my graduate degree, moved out to and lived in San Francisco for almost two years—and look what’s still here. Last night I went a few rounds with my old favorite bar, two nights before that I met up with an old friend at my second favorite bar, and in between I got a sandwich at one of my old favorite diner/restaurants—all still here. Miraculous, or maybe not, maybe just…normal.
Chicago has always seemed to me to be a qualitatively different town from New York, and since moving to San Francisco it seems in retrospect a different town that that. People seem more settled and—here I know things get dicey, here I drift into the highly unscientific realm of the speculative—less…I don’t know, avariciously ambitious. Here in Chicago, it seems that living a good life is enough. There is not that spiking need to change the world, or at any rate all of it, the part that extends beyond the borders of the city or perhaps the state. It’s an international city to be sure, and I oughn’t overlook the fact that it’s also the third biggest in the United States…but it often seemed to me to be above all a midwestern city. And that’s saying something: a city this big, this cosmopolitan, this much of a minor capital of music and literature and finance and art and still, still irrevocably of its geographical region. New York can’t say this, and neither can San Francisco; sure, New York is fast and clipped and indifferent like much of the east coast, and sure San Francisco is drenched in an unmistakable Californianess—slow, relaxed, progressive down to the very marrow of its bone—but that’s about it, there end its geographical markers. People come to those two cities from everywhere, and they leave for other everywheres almost as quickly.
But like I said, this is highly speculative and thus quite possibly wrong…and yet still I feel it is a point worth making. And I think this is the case because of the distinction I made in the title of this post—making a life vs. making it—a distinction I believe is, perhaps, never more pertinent than in one’s first few years out of college, a time when you begin to decide just what kind of a life you want to live in this world, when you begin making farther reaching decisions, when you start to plot out the first few points of what will become, in earnest, your life. This might be an unfair distinction, but are you going to try to be things, or do things? Again this might be unfair, but are you going to try to know, or be known? Will you look at ‘settling’ as ‘the ability to be content’, or as ‘being unambitious, or lazy’? Will you sit, and look around, and smell area flowers, or will you run run run, keep on hustling because you can sleep when you’re dad [thanks dad!]?
I, for one, am ambitious, but I’ve also been suspicious of that ambition. Why do I want to be a famous, known writer? What will those Pulitzers or National Book Awards or that Nobel get me? And what will it do for everyone else? And, at the end of the very long day of my life, will it really make that much of a difference if I have indeed accomplished these things? If I ever do stand at that podium in Oslo, will all that work and all that living really be suddenly validated? It will it not if I don’t?
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